Open Letters (for Vista, as promised)

Dear Job Market

Hey. What’s up? Nothing much here. Just chillin’.

In fact, I’ve been just chillin’ for a while now.

And do you want to know why?

You are impossible.

Like, I know that I don’t have things like “skills” and “good availability,” but seriously. I’m really good at bullshitting people, and that’s half the battle when you’re trying to get a job. Unfortunately, there aren’t any jobs to be had, even if I could get an interview to put my BS skills to good use.

So fuck you, Job Market. I hope you like washing vaginas, because you are a total douchebag.

Love and kisses,
Katy

Dear Six Feet Under,

You are awesome. Every time that you are on Bravo I am sucked in to an entire day in the recliner, and I never, ever feel guilty or bad about it, because a day with you is never a day wasted.

I wish you were a person, Six Feet Under. I would make the sweetest, most tender love to you.

Marry Me,
Katy

Dear Bank Account,

Congratulations on not being completely empty this week. Unfortunately I’m going to have to empty you again so that I can pay all my bills. Better late than never, right?! LOL! Be patient with me. I know that lacking a stable evironment must be hard on you emotionally. I’ll try to save some (any) money pretty soon, ok?!?! BFF!

XOXO!
Katy

Dear Girl at My Gym With a Perfect Body,

Hi. I know that I stare at you all the time. We go to the gym at the same time, and I envy you. A lot.

You’re what I would look like if I really tried super hard and dieted like a fiend for a year. You have a rad, petite-curvy-girl body. And I’m jeaous.

You’re not ridiculously skinny, but you’ve still got a flat stomach and are really toned and look good in shorts and a t-shirt. Plus you’ve got really pretty, long, shiny hair. Hair that I have always wanted.

I’m like you’re less cute cousin with about 12 extra lbs and short hair.

I hope you’re not creeped out, Girl at My Gym With a Perfect Body. I’m not a lesbian and I’m not going to go all Single White Female on your ass. I just kind of want you to be my goal. Please excuse my oogling.

Nice Ass,
Katy