Shhhhh…

I’ve been quiet lately.

Ok, this does not sound weird. But when I say “quiet,” what I mean is “noiseless.”

I’ve been doing this thing where I pad across my apartment, stepping lightly. I put down glasses and candles very softly, and I cringe when I move on the futon and it creaks. I hate the sound of wrappers or clicking keyboards.

If you know me in person, I’m loud as hell. I’m an obnoxious singer who laughs too loud and cracks her knuckles all day.

But lately I’ve just been quiet.

Maybe I’m recharging? Or changing?

I can’t say.

Weird, right?

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock…

Hey dudes. It’s been a while since my last actual blog that wasn’t a youtube or Netflix monstrosity. Sorry.

But here’s why:

I have the most bland life on the planet.

Seriously. It’s so ugh.

If you don’t believe me, let me take you through my day.

6:47 AM: Wake up 13 minutes before my alarm. Stare into space.

7:00 AM: Shower. Think about wearing makeup. Decide not to. Think about doing hair. Decide not to.

7:40 AM: Go outside to leave for work.

7:41 AM: Realize upon stepping outside that car is covered in an icy shell. Sigh heavily.

7:58 AM: Finally finish scraping car. Massage aching arms. Look at clock, realize that I will now be late for work. Sigh heavily.

8:13 AM: Arrive at work. Sit in car for two minutes, dreading It.

8:15 AM: Clock in. Phone rings immediately. Answer it, though it isn’t my job.

8:17 AM: Alternate typing, talking to bitchy, borderline-retarded rednecks on the phone, and sighing. Repeat for 7 hours.

1:30 PM: Lunch break. Consume apples and almonds, go to the bathroom, stare at self in the mirror. Ask myself existential questions.

3:04 PM: Clock out. Skip blithely down the stairs.

3:07 PM: Think really hard about going to the gym.

3:08 PM: Decide to go.

3:09 PM: Decide not to go.

3:22 PM: Arrive home.

3:23 PM: Put on sweatpants.

3:24 PM: Alternate between TV and sleeping. Repeat.

6:17 PM: Desperately wish for a pizza. Realize that I’m both poor and slightly chubby. Opt instead for soup and microwave popcorn. Realize there is no soup. Opt for just microwave popcorn.

9:56 PM: Fall asleep on the futon.

1:27 AM: Wake up with a backache. Half-assedly brush my teeth. Stumble to bed.

That’s pretty much it. And you know what? It’s all my fault.

It’s funny, because it’s not like I don’t have friends. I have lots of friends, really fun, amazing, kind friends, who I’m certain would like to see me. How do I know? They tell me so. All the time.

And if they’ve stopped calling a little bit… well, it’s because I rarely go out when they ask.

So weird. I don’t know what my deal is. I know that part of it is because of money, as in… I don’t have any. But that can’t really be the whole reason.

I don’t know. Food for though, friends.

I was thinking about this last night. I went to see a bunch of my peeps in the opera at the old alma mater, and all I kept thinking was that I like them all so much, and that I never see any of them. If I keep this up, this avoidance for no discernible reason, I’ll have like, two friends… and it won’t be their fault.

Hmmm.

So I’ve decided to reach out to my sadly ignored and hopefully get a friggin’ social life again. That might require things like “answering my phone” and “not sleeping all evening,” but it will also do things like “enrich my life” and “provide love, joy, and affection,” so it might be worth it.

What a novel idea.

Welcome back to the land of the living, Artsy. Please stay.

Netflix Reviews: Down in the Valley (2006)

Eh. I have mixed feelings.

Harlan (Edward Norton) is a cowboy from South Dakota who now lives in the San Fernando valley. He then hooks up with a high school girl, who has a really big asshole for a dad. Then (whoopsadaisie!) it turns out Norton has a touch of the crazy. A little Taxi Driver-esque.

Hm.

It’s challenging, I’ll say that. It can be very slow (and I like have a lot more patience for slow films than most), and it feels… lonely. It’s very quiet and uncomfortable, with no discernible heroes or villains. It’s almost too much to throw at you at once while you’re watching. In fact, mulling over this movie is more enjoyable than the actual watching experience.

But even though it’s hard, it’s got a lot going for it. The dialogue is smart and very real, and there are some gorgeous scenes. I think the last 15 minutes or so are pretty much close to perfect. Beautifully shot, full of meaning, splendidly acted.

Evan Rachael Wood is a fantastic young actress, though I’ve seen her in, um, NOTHING else (plus isn’t she Marilyn Manson’s girlfriend? Gross.). It was a pretty ballsy move casting an ACTUAL 17 year old as a 17 year old, especially in a heavy movie like this. She’s every inch the modern-day Lolita, and that girl works it. She holds her own for the most part, and if she gets lost in the shuffle, well, she is playing opposite Ed Norton, who gives one of his finest performances here.

Edward Norton is so damn fantastic. He’s got enough movie star charisma to make him stand out, but I’m never constantly reminded that “this is Edward Norton, I am acting RIGHT NOW.” He disappears like a character actor, and I love that. Watching Harlan’s descent into madness and further delusion was… beyond amazing. Even at his worst, there was nothing but love and empathy for him. That’s a damn good actor. One of the best performances I’ve seen lately.

To be honest, if Norton hadn’t been in it… meh. Who cares. But I love love love him. He’s one of my favorite actors working today, and I’m willing to pay money to see anything he’s in.

So.

See it? I don’t know.

I liked it.

But… Don’t hate me if you don’t.

The best thing I have ever seen

Material Possessions that Enrich My Life

You know what I love? Recommending things.

Here are some things I am currently obsessed with.

Thermals from American Apparel. They are so flattering and have too-long sleeves cause they are unisex and they are in 400 million different colors. I own two, and I crave about 30 more.

Monty Python’s Flying Circus on DVD. Yeah, I own the box set and I’ve been watching two a day for a week. Side rant: If you’re that douchebag who quotes Holy Grail to me, you suck. The show was awesome, and Holy Grail is half the film Life of Brian was. I mean, who doesn’t love Grail, but don’t think you’re in the know and smart because you memorized Grail. If you were smart, you’d memorize Brian and get every single literature reference in the original series. Sorry, but I’m a snob with a superiority complex about this ONE THING. I’m allowed.

Sharin Apostolou. The love of my life who is a rock star. Read all about her triumph.

Olive Oil shampoo and conditioner from the Body Shop. I have fine but thick hair, and it makes it gorgeous and shiny and soft. Buy it, like, yesterday.

Knee socks. Yep. I’m freakishly cold and I hate to shave my legs. Solution: knee socks in gorgeous bright colors so that I’m warm, secretly hairy, and feel like a naughty schoolgirl all day.

Dried Pineapple. The food of the gods. It’s beyond delicious, and my favorite food of the moment.

Baggu reusable shopping bags. Once my plain old canvas shoppers die, these are coming home with me. So many colors!

Charles Dickens. How did I make it this far without reading A Tale of Two Cities!?!?! Well, I finally finished it last week, and it’s my new favorite of his. Get it.

Stuff White People Like. The funniest, most humbling thing I’ve ever read.

That’s what I’m into this week. Dig it.

V-day

Oh, Valentine’s Day. You are such a treat. 

Though I’m going to be spending it watching Netflix and eating pudding, all is not lost.

Because tomorrow does double duty as a day about love, and a day about preventing violence against women.Thank you, Eve Ensler for making today more important than cheap cardboard hearts filled with bland chocolates and forced, awkward romantic scenarios.

This year marks the 10th anniversary of V-day and the Vagina Monologues. Don’t know much about them? Go here and check it out.

About 50,000 rapes are reported in the United States every year. About how many rapes go unreported? Over half.

In 2003, 185,000 domestic violence cases were reported…in Texas alone.

Domestic violence is the major of death and disability for European women 16-44. More than cancer or traffic accidents.

97% of women in Egypt experience FGM (Female Genital Mutilation – don’t know what it is? Check this shit out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_genital_cutting).

It’s hard to know what to do. It’s overwhelming.

So here’s what I’m doing, and what you can do too:

Are there performances of the Vagina Monologues happening in your community? Go. GO. GO GO GO. They are wonderful. I’ll post a youtube clip from one at the bottom. All the money goes toward preventing violence against women.

No monologues in your area? I feel your pain. Watch this video.http://v10.vday.org/ten-years-vday/until-the-violence-stops Then tell someone.

I had five bucks. That’s it. So I donated to V-day. You can even do it by credit card on their website, and we all know credit cards aren’t REAL money, so what’s the harm?

Women, single or not: Love yourself. Respect your beautiful body and your incredible mind.

Men, if you’re single or not, if you’re into women or not: Hug a woman and respect her beautiful body and her incredible mind. And for that matter, respect your body and mind as well. Set a good example, and maybe read this for a male perspective: http://v10.vday.org/meet-vday/v-men

If nothing else, just think about it. Care. We all know a woman who has been touched by sexual, physical, or emotional violence. Do what you can to make it stop.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Love to you all.

(And now, for your viewing pleasure…A fantastic Vagina Monologue clip)

Why I hate being poor.

My fridge broke on Saturday night.

Because I live in a piece of shit apartment complex, they didn’t send over a repairman while I was at work, they sent over a borderline retarded maintenance guy to look at it.

Guess what he did?

He changed the lightbulb.

Wow, that is AWESOME, but that doesn’t really, um, MAKE MY REFRIGERATOR WORK. But on the up side, now I can SEE that it doesn’t work.

In fact, now I SEE that it works even less than yesterday and all my shit is melted. THANKS SO FUCKING MUCH. I hope you die and rot in hell for all eternity.

You know what is EVEN MORE AWESOME?

I’m 24 and broker than broke. I can’t afford things like “50 bucks worth of meat, cheeses, frozen vegetables, and delicious ice cream that I spent extra money that I already didn’t have on”. So now that, oh, 80% of my food is ruined, I suppose I’ll just eat canned tuna and granola bars for the rest of the week.

Seriously, I barely exaggerate.

I have 32 dollars in my checking account, which is fine, because I’m going to get paid on Monday. But now it’s not fine, because I already have 3,000 dollars in credit card debt and really, really, REALLY don’t want to have more.

So I will eat like shit I suppose. Better pray I don’t get scurvy from my poor diet cause I don’t have health insurance, either!

Maybe I just won’t eat at all. Best diet ever.

Or most likely I’ll just go crazy and not get groceries because I don’t want to spend money but I’ll be starving so I’ll go to Taco Bell, so then I will not only be poor, but fat as well.

I hate renting. I hate credit cards. I hate waiting for my paycheck to come so I can eat. I hate driving like a grandma because I can’t get a ticket, or God forbid, get in an accident because if I got hurt or had to go to the hospital it would cost me thousands. I hate asking my mom for 100 bucks to pay my gas bill. I hate crying over something like ruined bags of frozen vegetables, for God’s sake.

FUCK YOU, LIFE.

I was having such a good day, too.

Netflix Reviews: Once (2007)

Get ready to lose your shit, y’all.

Once is so great. Goddamn.

A street musician and an immigrant flower vendor meet, make beautiful music together, and part ways. That’s kind of it. It’s charming, with perfectly awkward and realistic dialogue, and as far as musicals go, the indie-folk score fits perfectly. Mama will make this her next iTunes purchase. Like The Weepies, or Joshua Radin, or Regina Spector? You’ll dig on this.

With all this going for it, it wouldn’t make it past charming, except…

We’ve all had one. That person you were (are?) desperately in love with, who is, in turn, desperately in love with you. But it’s the wrong time or place in your life, or you’re both taken, or now it’s too late, or you live a million miles away, or…something. And you both know it. This is what bittersweet means, and I’ve not seen a movie that conveys this feeling better.

What I am saying is that during the closing credits you’ll be thinking about them, whoever they are, and you’ll cry.

Seriously.

You won’t think you will, and then the last 5 minutes happens.

So prepare and enjoy. It’s absolutely adorable.

Updates

Yep, I changed the look.

Yep, I changed the title.

Hope that’s ok.

Love you, you silly bitches.

A list

And now, just because I’m thinking about it… 

Celebrities I Would Totally Have Sex With

John Cusack. OMG he’s so tall and shy and cerebral. Do me.

Jake Gyllenhall. Even when he was miming having gay sex, I wanted to be the one mounting him.

Jimmy Fallon. I know that he ruined every sketch he was in on SNL, but I find him totally adorable.

Any of the dudes in Monty Python…except Terry Gilliam (sorry, I think the cartoons are boring and un-funny) and Graham Chapman (because he’s gay, and that can be a turn-off for me). Of course I mean them in the 70’s, but I might still hit that in the present day.

Alan Rickman. That voice. Oh my sweet lord, why does he talk so sexy-like!??!

Colin Firth. Please come over and play naked costume drama with me.

Ewan MacGregor. I’ve seen his penis in like 30 movies. It’d be totes worth it.

George Clooney. Sorry, but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want hot Dean Martin-style sex with him.

Joel McHale. Yeah, he hosts a low budget show on E!. What of it.

Topher Grace. He’s so nerdy. I want to talk about Thoreau with him.

Ummm…

I think that’s it. Hopefully I’m not forgetting anyone.