Hey, kids.
You know that I loves me some Halloween. You know that I loves me some lists. You also know that I loves me some horror movies. So I’m going to make a special Halloween top movie list thing! For your own extra awesome viewing pleasure during this most blessed of holiday seasons!!!!
Excited?
You should be, because I have awesome taste.
Ok. In no particular order. Ready….go!
1. Let’s get it over with: Halloween. It’s mandatory because of the name and it fitting with the whole “Halloween” theme, but I also watch this movie every year and have enjoyed it every time. Escaped lunatic murders babysitters on Halloween. Basta. Simplicity at its best. He doesn’t need a reason. Mike Myers (the character, not the Austin Powers dude) is seemingly indestructible, which I enjoy. Shoot him 500 times, still alive. Poke him through the eye with a wire hanger, still alive. Burn him, mutilate him, throw him off buildings for 8 or however many sequels…. still alive. I dig it. It also has that whole Christian right puritanical message that slasher flicks inexplicably possess. Don’t do drugs or have teh sexes or someone might slit your throat in the car post-coitus. Good message! So wholesome! See it.
2. Shaun of the Dead. This is not only one of my favorite horror flicks, it’s one of my favorite movies ever. Essentially zombies take over London and a pack of losers try to survive in a pub. It’s gory (nice), British (good for us anglophiles), legitimately hilarious (awesome), and full of glorious flesh eating zombies (double awesome). What’s not to like? If you’ve not seen it, you should, but be prepared to spend 15 bucks on the dvd the next day so that you can re-watch it… a lot.
3. The Omen. Scary 3 year old is the Antichrist. Uh oh. You know, I’m not Catholic. In fact, I’m barely religious, but films about possession and the Antichrist (is that capitalized? I’m so torn…) and Satan and all that really creep me the hell out. I remember staying with a friend when my parents were out of town and watching this movie on TV. It was not awesome. I was horrified and didn’t sleep for days. I now can watch it nightmare-free, but I still get chills from the opening scene and have a real fear of Rottweilers. Also, make sure you see the original 1976 version, not the crappy remake with Julie Styles. Epic Fail.
4. 28 Days Later. Like a zombie movie, only the evil baddies have a virus that keeps them in a permanent state of rage. They still totally want to nom on your brain though. It’s the basic “small group of survivors vs. hundreds of murderous creatures” formula, but it’s done better than most. It’s truly scary, but the film is more heartbreaking than anything. Like all great zombie flicks, the problem is social. What’s already inside us, anger, hatred, mob mentality, will destroy us. Didn’t realize the undead were so deep, did you?
5. Slither. Alien slug things turn a small town into a variety of monsters. Ok, when I saw the trailer for Slither, I thought it looked fucking horrible, I won’t lie. Then about 30 people told me that I would love it with the fire of 1,000 suns. So I figured that I have a guilty pleasure for B movies and gore, plus Nathan Fillion is in it and I always think he’s great and totally adorable, so it probably won’t be unbearable. And it wasn’t. It’s super fun to watch, kind of like going to a party only with aliens and gore and belly laughs and you’re actually just sitting in your pajamas at home. So it’s not really like a party at all, but I will promise you a good time when you see it.
6. The Haunting. I couldn’t watch R-rated movies until I was in high school, so I’ve seen lots of the old black and white horror flicks, and this is the among best of them. A bunch of paranormal investigators go to a reportedly haunted house to investigate. Haunting ensues. It’s great because it’s made for about 5 dollars, and they don’t need no stinking special effects. The whole story is told with shadows, knocking, banging, and a couple of bendy doors, and it’s about 4 million times more unsettling than any CGI mess they can dream up. Plus the dude that plays Riff in the West Side Story movie is in it so you can sing “When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way…” when you’re feeling scared. This is another you need to remember to get the original of. The remake with Catherine Zeta Jones and Luke Wilson? EPIC FAIL.
7. The Thing. Shape-shifting alien attacks a research base in Antarctica and mauls just about everybody, and since it can appear as anyone, including animals, it’s impossible to know if you’re safe. I love this movie. As the humans are gradually taken over by the Thing, the paranoia grows, turning everyone against each other. It’s intense. Even though it was made in 1982, the effects are fantastic even by today’s standards; it must have blown people’s minds when I was in the womb. More proof that CGI sucks balls. Big, hairy, pendulous, computer-generated balls. Oh! Also, you can watch this for FREE on hulu! Here’s THE LINK.
8. Nightmare on Elm Street. Don’t go to sleep, because some old dead child murderer might come into your dreams and cut you into little tiny pieces with his knife hands. This movie is so 80’s-tastic. Johnny Depp wears cut off football jerseys and the hair is all over the place and it’s fantastic. The idea is so goddamned perfect. You’re never more vulnerable that when you’re sleeping, and despite the very high cheese factor, I get a little jumpy if I catch this on TV at night. Freddy is the most charismatic, likeable villain ever. If he wasn’t a child murderer I’d for totes be friends with him. That dude’s hilarious, plus he could cut your steak for you at a restaurant one-handed. Not bad.
9. Psycho and Vertigo. I was trying to decide which Hitchcock movie to include, but I love them both, so I’m grouping them together. If you don’t know what Psycho is about, you should have your citizenship revoked, and you should stop reading this blog right now and go rent it because it’s a goddamned classic. Now go, and don’t tell anyone you haven’t seen it. Also, is it weird that I find the actor who plays Norman Bates really, really hot? Vertigo is less scary, I will admit, but I think it’s a better movie on the whole. Jimmy Stewart is an investigator who is afraid of heights who becomes obsessed with his friend’s wife. Falling in love, falling from dizzying heights, falling into this intense relationship and all the fear it brings. It’s fantastic. Plus, Jimmy Stewart does not suck at acting. At all. Oh, and forget about the Psycho remake with Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche. You will want to kill them by the end of it.
10. Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2. Yes, both of them. Release the demons, bitches. These movies are made for like, 10 bucks a pop, and they are so fucking great and hilarious and original. The kind of effects and camera tricks Sam Raimi uses are like nothing you’ve ever seen. It’s crazy. There are zombies and demons and trees that rape you all over the damned place, plus the main character turns his severed arm stump into a chainsaw hand in the second one. There is no way you can not like these movies, and if you don’t like them, we should discontinue our friendship because you suck.
Enjoy! Happy Halloween! May you gorge yourself on candy corn and drink yourself into a zombie-like stupor.
